I’m shielded, And I don’t hear the warning alarms, All I feel is safe, Safe in your arms.
Can’t see the red flags, Don’t hear the doubts, It’s blissful ignorance, And I’m deaf to the shouts…
Of my intuition, Of that little voice, That says run bitch, run, But you see, I’ve got no choice.
So here I stay, Dazed by your charms, And all I feel is safe, Safe in your arms.
I won’t listen, When they tell me to go, Because in my heart, I feel what I know.
They don’t know you, Like I do, Because if they did, They’d know, too.
Why I can’t let go, Why I can’t stay away, Why I’ll always hold tight, Why I’ll never stray.
So here I stay, And here is where I’ll remain, I’m enveloped, We’re two links in a chain. And so I linger, And I don’t hear the warning alarms, ‘Cause I’m safe here, Safe in your arms.
The more you push, The more I pull, And I’m feelin’ like, A fucking fool. I’m not the kinda girl, Who likes to be kept waiting, I’m over all the apps, And the superficial dating.
Don’t need nobody else, What I want is you, I’m starry-eyed and starstruck, Don’t know what to do. How can I lure you, Into my bed and into my heart, ‘Cause baby I can’t stand these nights, Of loneliness when we’re apart.
I’m graspin’ at straws, But can’t keep hold. You’re elusive and untouchable, And baby, this game’s gettin’ old. I can’t let you in, ‘Cause I’m in danger, And sometimes it feels, You’re nothin’ but a stranger.
But I don’t need nobody else, What I want is you, I’m starry-eyed and starstruck, Don’t know what to do. How can I lure you, Into my bed and into my heart, ‘Cause baby I can’t stand these nights, Of loneliness when we’re apart.
I’ll keep you at arms length, ‘Cause I can’t let down my walls, Can’t risk the hurt, Though my heart to you, it calls. You’re probably all wrong for me, And it’ll end in tears, Should I take the risk? Though my heart is plauged by fears?
But deep down I know…
I don’t need nobody else, And what I want is you, I’m starry-eyed and starstruck, And I don’t know what to do. How can I lure you, Into my bed and into my heart, ‘Cause baby I can’t stand these nights, Of loneliness when we’re apart.
I’ll come out of my shell, and strip off my disguise, I’ll face my foes, and out of the ashes I’ll fucking rise…
I’m sparkling and I’m shining, I’m ready to soar, It’s my moment, Hear me roar. I’m shimmering and I’m flickering, Ready to glow, It’s my moment and, I’ll thrive and I’ll grow.
I’m streakin’ the sky, I’m iridescent, And when I’m on my way, Damn, I’m incessant.
Because it’s my time, My time, My time to shine. I’ll come out of my shell, And strip off my disguise, I’ll face my foes, And out of the ashes, I’ll fucking rise.
I’ve been dormant, For far too long, I’ve been scared, But now I’m strong. I’m a force, To be reckoned with, And you know it’s ’cause, I’m a damn good wordsmith.
Across the pages, My pen it races, Jagged scrawls, And your heart it races.
What will I write? And what will I say? You can run and hide boy, But not today.
Face it, And you’ll see, It’s my time to shine, My time to break free. And you won’t like the hard truths, I’m spreadin’ across this landscape, Because you know boy, There’ll be no escape.
Because it’s my time, My time, My time to shine. I’ll come out of my shell, And strip off my disguise, I’ll face my foes, And out of the ashes, I’ll fucking rise.
I’m ready for the big reveal, Your secrets are no more, I’m gettin’ closer, And I’m bustin’ down that door.
‘Cause you can’t hide from me, And I’m strippin’ off my disguise, I’ll face you my foe, And out of the ashes, I’ll fucking rise.
You want the stereotypical hot girl, She’s got a bangin’ body and gets the looks, But I can still break ya, And leave ya shook. I know what you want, The elusive illusion, But I’m tellin’ you boy, It’s a damn delusion.
I can do it as good as them, And play with the best, I got curves and thick thighs, So honey, give it a rest.
You’re chasing me, Creepin’ like a shadow, You’re all talk though babe, You’re so damn shallow.
I still got it and I, Got a little somethin’ to offer you boy, I don’t stalk the catwalk, But damn I’m a good decoy. But still them eyes stray, To perfection that ain’t real, It leaves me wondering… What’s your fucking deal?
I can do it better, I can play your game, I don’t give a fuck, I ain’t got no shame.
You’re chasing me, Creepin’ like a shadow, You’re all talk though babe, You’re so damn shallow.
So you want the model? The girls on the magazine cover? What if I told you? That I’m a hell of a lover? I may not be stick thin, I ain’t no size 8, But you’re head’s in the clouds, And you’re beggin’ them for a hot date.
So you’re chasin’ them, Creepin’ like a shadow, But they know what’s up too, ‘Cause you’re too damn shallow. We all want the dream, We all want the illusion, But I got one up on you boy, It’s a damn delusion.
So baby, Set your mind at ease, Because your dreams ain’t nothin’ but a, Tantalising tease. We see right through you, You’re nothin’ but a shadow, Because we all know you’re, so damn shallow.
Maybe I don’t want normal, Or necessarily good, They say you’re bad for me, But maybe you’re just misunderstood.
So hit me, grab me, And pull my hair too, Nobody does it better babe, Better than you.
You’re so wrong, But oh so right, But maybe I like that, And how you like to pick a fight. I like the challenge, And I like the game, I’ve got you in my sights, And I’m takin’ aim.
You’re my target, You’re my goal, We’re blacker than black, Darker than coal.
So hit me, grab me, And pull my hair too, Nobody does it better babe, Better than you.
But I’m on par, Baby you’ve met your match, Outstretch them arms and get ready, ‘Cause I’m a fucking catch. Didn’t I mention? Didn’t I say, You’re the bad boy, But damn do I like to play.
I’ve got the experience, I’ve got the expertise, And when I’m finished with you, You’ll be beggin’ on your knees. But I can do it better, You underestimated me, I ain’t no pawn in your game, I’m the master… And you’ll never be free.
I can grab you, And I can pull your hair too, You thought nobody could do it better, Better than you. But I can do it better, And I’ll catch you unawares, I’m flipping them tables on you, So say your prayers.
So hit me and grab me, And pull my hair too, But get ready baby…
I’ve always loved this quote from Sex and the City. My dad used to say things like this, lol.
TRIGGER WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS SOME GRAPHIC CONTENT THAT MAY UPSET READERS
I’ve been called a lot of things in my 33 years. Some nice… Some not so nice. In light of my story’s title, I have been labelled…
Crazy. Parasite. Ugly. Not normal. Not good enough. Fat. Lazy. Stupid. I was even told I was considered a dead, non-existent person. Just to name a few.
I tend to dwell and fixate on these labels, and more often than not, (unfortunately), I use these labels to describe myself…. DAILY. My inner self-talk leaves something to be desired, let me tell you. And I’m well aware of it, but frequently it’s an involuntary impulse. It’s pretty much an automatic, inner-mantra, repeatedly and silently replaying inside my brain. Uncontrollable, painful and intense; ingrained so deeply upon my psyche, that it’s almost become a part of me that I cannot let go of. Some of these names, (fat, ugly, stupid, not normal or good enough), were said to me during my formulative years; I was an impressionable child, naive and willing to believe the things people would call me. Other names have been attributed to me during terrible periods in my life, where I may unfortunately not have been functioning at my best, (namely during the first year following my father’s death). An angry ex lashing out after a particularly painful breakup, for example. I did not initiate the break-up, but in 2017 I was diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder. This is still a disorder I am currently afflicted with and grappling to overcome. I have other diagnoses but I won’t get into that right now. In regards to my father’s untimely passing, I felt as if I’d been abandoned by my best friend, my guide, my teacher, my hero… When Dad died in September 2016, he took a part of me with him. A part of my heart I’m unlikely to ever recover. My father was such a huge presence in my life. We were two peas in a pod. Both writers, both prone to the same thoughts and feelings. He got me, to put it plainly. And nearly five years later, I still miss him every single day. So when my boyfriend left me a year later, it turned my life upside down for the second time in a year. I couldn’t take it. I was imploding, exploding, breaking; completely and utterly guttered and irrational. I was convinced that everybody I love leaves me…. I was crazy! Really crazy! I wasn’t prepared for the grief of losing a parent unfortunately, and to then lose a partner… I quite literally lost my shit. So perhaps that particular label was quite appropriate at the time. But I am more than these labels. AND SO ARE YOU! Mental health stigma and the negativity sometimes surrounding it, is why I am writing this today. I am not blaming my actions on my mental health diagnoses. I am responsible and accountable for what I do. And I’ve made mistakes, I’ve apologised, and I’ve owned up to them. But what I am seeking to do, is educate others as to why a person experiencing a broad range of mental health issues, may behave in a certain way. And it isn’t always easy for others to understand. And that is okay. I’m discovering, as I navigate the path of living with a mental illness, that others may or may not be aware of the intricacies involved with these challenging prognoses. My father was very unwell throughout his last five years, and during that time I know he believed he wouldn’t be around for much longer. I lost count of how many times he made me promise that it would be my responsibility to ensure I shared his writing with the world.
“Get it out to the masses Fluff, my writing needs to go to you. It’ll be you who has to spread the word, share my lyrics, and try to work out a way for someone to sing them”.
This was his request. And I wholeheartedly agreed to it. It was a solemn promise I was determined to uphold. In the days following his death, I discovered another family member had taken his writing portfolio. When I asked for it, this family member refused. And bear in mind he did have good reasons, and I respected that, to an extent. I was so desperate at that time though. I believed I’d killed my own father. So I nagged this family member incessantly for the portfolio. I thought if I had it and started working on it, I could make it up to my Dad for not being by his side as he took his final breath. When we went to identify his body he had passed out on the kitchen floor, in our family home. He died in his sleep, alone. And that broke my heart and brought about such intense feelings of heartbreak and guilt. I held his cold and stiff hand. I sat beside him, crying, apologising, begging him to come back. It was the single worst, soul destroying moment I’d ever experienced. The family member in question was a bit frustrated with my nagging about the portfolio, as he had a right to be during that awful time. But he assured me that when the time was right, he’d give it to me. Perhaps in a year. So a year later I requested it again. And again I was told that I wouldn’t receive it until he was ready. A verbal fight via Messenger ensued, and I was called a parasite. I eventually resolved this dispute, because I too said things that weren’t very nice in retaliation. Dad and I had actually had a falling out 6 weeks prior to his death. I firmly believed for years that he died of a broken heart because I cut ties with him. I will regret this for the rest of my life. So bearing this in mind, I was desperate to make it up to my Dad by keeping my promise to him.
I may have lost a lot of loved ones during the last five years. Four in total. But I have my amazing mother. A woman so strong I can only dream of emulating her resilience. This wonderful woman was kind enough to gift me a handwritten notebook of my father’s. It contained the majority of all his beautiful love letters, songs and poetry. Which as you have noticed, I have been sharing. My mother is one of the reasons I’m on my writing journey. She taught me to read before I began primary school. Because of her efforts, I fell in love with books, and then yearned to create my own stories. And it then became a double-whammy, because as I mentioned above, Dad was a writer too. So I’m incredibly grateful to them both, for giving me such an amazing gift that’s developed into a lifelong passion. This passion has provided me with solace in times of distress and heartache. I never feel more alive than I do when I write. Writing to me is cathartic, healing and a great coping mechanism. But I digress. I will now elaborate on the label, ‘lazy’. Even a simple thing like leaving the house to go grocery shopping sometimes fills me with anxiety. Due to constant lockdowns, my social anxiety is through the roof. Last year’s lockdown in Victoria was extensive. To the point that social interaction was almost non-existent. I became so accustomed to being isolated, that the thought of returning to semi-normal life fuelled feelings of fear, panic and anxiety. Sometimes before I leave the house, I feel as if my feet are glued to the floor, metaphorically speaking. I want to move my feet, I want to stand up. But soon my ever-present, negative self-talk begins to intrude. It overwhelms me. It swallows me. My thoughts begin to race, running in repetitive circles within the chaos of mind. I start to panic. I get tunnel vision. Waves of dizziness overcome my body. My heart pounds and palpitates, so hard and fast I feel as if it’s going to leap out of my chest. Then I begin to worry, thinking I’ve developed the same heart condition that contributed to the death of my father. I tell myself I’m a weak bitch who should be able to do a simple thing like go grocery shopping. I also unfortunately have triggers. Yet another delightful side effect of my mental health issues. I begin to imagine what others will say or do when I am there. Will someone trigger my insecurities? Will I have a panic attack or snap at someone? Will people stare at me? Focus on me? Possibly wondering what is wrong with me? Are they thinking I’m ugly? Fat? And returning from the shops often involves aggressive tailgaters who swear, try to ram me, and toot me. When in fact I’m sticking to the speed limit, as I received a speeding fine last year and can’t afford another one. Plus you know, it’s the law and all. I’m living in a new suburb at the moment, and I’ve noticed it’s rife with antagonistic drivers. This isn’t just limited to going shopping however. These feelings trickle into many of my daily activities. For example it effects my ability to work quite often. I have to force myself to go regularly. But this is already long-winded, so perhaps I’ll talk about this in more depth on a future post. Surprisingly, I can be quite good at masking my inner demons. But I’m also the sort of person who is an open book. Transparent if you will. Certain people can take one look at me when I’m in the throes of an intense anxiety episode, or simply if I’m mildly upset, and can immediately see it etched across my face. Even when I try my best to hide it! To be frank, I try to stick with the absolute necessities in regards to my social interactions at the moment. I’ve even started to order the majority of my groceries online, as I attempt to work through and hopefully eradicate these fears. Parental duties, interacting with family members who live with me, friends, (single bubble only if permitted of course) and work obligations are my necessary priorities. But I don’t intend to ‘ramble on’… In summary, I encourage you, and myself to be kind. I, to myself, as I’m my own worst enemy. You, to yourself, if you are experiencing anything similar to me. Practise if you can, acceptance, patience, self-love and owning and being proud of the things that make you, YOU. Whether that be loveably eccentric and a little wild and extra, anxious or panicked… YOU ARE YOU. You are so much more than your diagnoses. You are so much more than your perceived flaws. You are special, you are relevant, you are treasured, you are important and you are cherished. AND IT’S OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY. Sometimes in life we can embrace the things that hurt and put a positive spin on it. It’s easier said than done, I am living proof of this.
So to conclude this mini novella…
I’M EMBRACING THE CRAZY…. OH AND PS, I DO NOT HEAR VOICES IN MY HEAD. I HAVE SEEN LOVED ONES THAT HAVE HEARD VOICES. AND THAT IS OKAY ALSO. I may be extra, I may struggle, I may be irrational and sometimes act ‘crazy’… BUT THIS DOES NOT DEFINE ME. BUT I WILL EMBRACE IT ANYWAY AS IT IS A PART OF ME. AND I WILL ENDEAVOUR TO LOVE MYSELF, FLAWS AND ALL. AS YOU SHOULD TOO.
She’s got you wrapped, Round her little finger, She’ll leave you with, Bad memories that’ll linger. She’s frightening and, She’s fucking scary, So boy you’d best, Be vary wary.
Ohhh she’s haunting… Ohhh she’s taunting…
‘Cause…
She’ll make you burn, She’ll make you itch, ‘Cause boy she’s an, Alpha bitch.
She wears the pants, She’ll set you straight, Her rules ain’t up, For debate. So heel boy or, She’ll tug on your chain, She’ll yank on your leash, And it’s a fine mix of…. Pleasure and pain.
Ohhhh she’s intoxicating, Ohhhh she’s liberating…
‘Cause…
She’ll make you burn, She’ll make you itch, ‘Cause boy she’s an, Alpha bitch.
She’ll possess and, Dominate you boy, She’ll play with you like, You’re her toy. She’ll take you and, Grip your hand, Rough and tight… Her every wish is your command.
‘Cause…
She’ll make you burn, She’ll make you itch, ‘Cause boy she’s an, Alpha bitch.
She’ll make you ache, She’ll make you twitch, ‘Cause boy you’ve gotta love, This alpha bitch.
U2 wrote a song called ‘New Year’s Day’. I wrote a song called ‘New Year’s Eve’.
I’m on my hands and knees, On the cold hard floor, Calling your name, And begging for more. Yearning for you, And asking you to stay, I can’t let go, Please don’t go away.
‘Cos it’s New Year’s Eve, And I’m all alone, Feeling the sting of loneliness, ‘Cos you won’t pick up the phone.
Where are you? And why aren’t you here? I’m lonely baby, And all I feel is fear… Fear of the unfamiliar, Fear of the unknown, Fear of going it… Without you, and alone.
I can’t do this, This can’t be real, These daggers puncture, These wounds don’t heal. It’s just a day, This holiday’s overrated, But I’m still alone, Dying to be sedated.
‘Cos it’s New Year’s Eve, And I’m all alone, Feeling the sting of loneliness, ‘Cos you won’t pick up the phone.
Where are you? And why aren’t you here? I’m lonely baby, And all I feel is fear… Fear of the unfamiliar, Fear of the unknown, Fear of going it… Without you, and alone.
Now it’s New Year’s Day, A new year is here, But I can’t start fresh, ‘Cos I need you near.
‘Cos it was New Year’s Eve, And I was on my own, Feeling the sting of loneliness, ‘Cos you didn’t pick up the phone.
Where were you? Why weren’t you near? I was desperate and deserted, Paralysed by fear. Fear of the unfamiliar, Fear of the unknown, Fear of going it… Without you, and alone.
Shadows beckon, Creatures stir, Welcome to the dark side… And my answer? Is yes sir.
Take me down your twisted path, Of recklessness and depravity, We’ll take all the risks, We’ll defy gravity. We’ll be bad and, Together we’ll tempt fate, I’ll have what your having, It’s euphoric and it’s great.
Be my companion, And take my hand, Take me to the outer limits, To your promised land.
Baby, shadows beckon, And creatures stir, You’re sayin’ welcome to the dark side… And my answer? Is yes sir.
Hurt me, But be gentle too, Remember lover, I’m human just like you. But I’m starry eyed, And I want more, Forbidden fruit, I want to feel like I’ve never felt before.
So be my bad influence, And take my hand, Offer me sweet release, Together we’ll be damned.
Lover, shadows beckon, And creatures stir, You’re sayin’ welcome to the dark side… And my answer? Is yes sir.
I’m a slave to your drive, And I’m dying for more, All you’ve got to offer, Is something I can’t ignore. Where the shadows lie, Is where we’ll dwell, But this isn’t heaven baby, No, it’s hell.
So darling, the shadows beckon, And the creatures stir, You’re sayin’ welcome to the dark side… And I’ll say, yes… Yes sir.
Dark and dangerous, And so intoxicating, Sweet but sour, Yet so captivating. Pulling me in, With your lies and your charm, Lulling me into a false sense of, Security and calm.
Tell me I’m beautiful, Tell me I’m the one, But you’re transparent as hell, And baby, I’m done.
But you’re badder than bad, And I can’t stay away, Toxic as hell, But I’ll beg you to stay. I’m starstruck, But a fucking fool, I fell for you, ‘Cos baby, you’re so cruel.
Tell me I’m beautiful, Tell me I’m the one, But you’re transparent as hell, And baby, I’m done.
I’m off my head, I’m in a daze, Immersed in the fog, Lost in your maze. Charismatic and cunning, Sly and salacious, But there’s something about you, That’s so vivacious.
Tell me I’m yours, Tell me I’m beautiful, Tell me I’m the one, Irrefutable.
I wanna believe, That I’m the one, I don’t wanna say, That I’m done.
But you make it so hard, To believe, You make it so hard, Not to leave.
If I’m not yours, If I’m not the one, Tell me boy, And we’ll be done.
But I can’t play your games, And you’re transparent as hell, I can’t let you in, So baby, we’re done.
I’m in hell, And under your command, I’m on flames, I’ll take your hand. Scorching and searing, Hot with your heat, Fiery and feverish, I’m complete.
Strike a match, And light me baby, Be my twin flame, And don’t say maybe.
You’re like fire, You’re taking me higher, You and I, We’ll burn with desire. You’re like fire, You’re taking me higher, You and I, We’ll burn with desire.
I’ll sell my soul, To you and you only, I am yours, We’ll never be lonely. You’re the prince of darkness, And I’m the queen of night, We’re burning baby, It’s quite the sight.
So strike a match, And ignite me boy, We’ll burn together, In sinful joy.
Because what’s mine is yours, And what’s yours is mine, So together we’ll burn, And together we’ll shine. We’ll soar higher, You and I, And forever we’ll burn, with desire.
I’m owning up, And I’m an open book, Got nothing to hide, So take a look. This is me, This is true, So how about it boy, Me and you?
Don’t need a crown, But I’m a queen, Stripped back and bare, I’m coming clean.
Don’t need no pills, To keep me real, Don’t need the booze, To help me heal. I’ve faced my foes, And I’m ready for you, This is me, This is true.
Don’t need a crown, But I’m a queen, Stripped back and bare, I’m coming clean.
I’ll say it like it is, What you see is what you get, No more theatrics, I’m not done with life yet. I’m ready to be, What you want me to be, So how about it boy? You and me?
Don’t need a crown, But I’m a queen, Stripped back and bare, I’m coming clean.
Without my vices, Baby I’m free, Stripped back and bare, Finally, I see. What I have, Is all I need, The straight and narrow, To proceed.
So can you take, This trip with me, I’m coming clean, Can’t you see?
Don’t need a crown, But I’m a queen, Stripped back and bare, I’m coming clean.
So be my king, And I’ll be your queen, Stripped back and bare, The slate is clean.
thewritefluff 